Forgiveness; When You Have No More To Give
Labels: Compromise, Couples, Friendship, Human Nature, Life, Marriage, Relationships
By Nina Nintius
The saying goes "To err is human, to forgive divine."
Does that mean that we are godlike when we forgive those who trespass against us? I suppose. And how do we decide what actions are forgivable and which are not? Shouldn't there be some sort of statute of limitations on ones divinity toward another?
From a religious perspective..."judge not lest ye be judged" implies that humans are not capable of such a decision and thus we are often encouraged to give forgiveness whenever it is asked for, leaving it up to a higher power to reconcile any cosmic debt...{continued}
It doesn't seem fair in some respects. When you weigh the emotional, possibly physical or financial pain caused by another against their words of apology, a clearly unbalanced scale presents itself. Then again, if you add to their apology years of friendship or love iced with any deeds they surely did on your behalf, the scale begins to level out. Unfortunately not all requests for forgiveness come from first time offenders.
So where do we draw the line in dealing with what amounts to an emotional vampire? Be it an old friend or relative who has repeatedly hurt you despite your best efforts to never hurt them, or the partner who never seems to put your feelings above their own, in many ways they are slaves to their own issues. They don't know how to take responsibility for their own actions.
They are not insincere. Perhaps more people are bipolar than ever get diagnosed. Perhaps they are just emotionally immature and selfish. If someone wrongs you, assuming you have never wronged them, you may be better off not accepting their apologies. If there is nothing about your time with that person worth reminiscing over, then by all means, cut the cord. Just be sure.
I guess in the end it boils down to ones tolerance. Personally, I believe that in 'most' friendships, there is plenty of room for forgiveness and letting go of the past for the sake of the future. Simply because it really does not effect my day to day to let another off the hook for some past hurt. I may not jump at the chance to let them back into my heart or ever depend on them, but we really need all the friends we can get. The more the merrier.
Everyone has something to offer that we can all learn from. So where is the harm in being civil, even friendly to someone, even if they have hurt us in the past? Assuming they want to be friends that is. Any one sided relationship is not a relationship...it's stalking. If you are seeking forgiveness from someone who is not interested, don't demean yourself by begging and absolutely don't turn their lack of forgiveness into some sort of personal attack against you. If you truly want their forgiveness, earn it by respecting their right to not give it.
Couples are another story. It's not to say we shouldn't be forgiving to our spouses or significant others depending on what they have done. Simply that there is no other relationship so doomed to fail from the start as two humans attempting to share an existence together and thus requires a tad more effort to maintain...by both parties. However, if your spouse refuses to be there for you...if your relationship is so off balance that you feel as if being alone would be less traumatic, the first thing you should do is sit them down and tell them that.
Spelling it out before you bail often leads to reconciliation. Only if both parties truly do not want it to end of course. Quite often is it a lack of speaking up that is the problem. Bring in a third party to help you see each others points of view. Focus on what was great about your relationship, use it to make compromise over the bad stuff worth the effort. Be honest. At this point you have nothing to lose by clearing the air.
Then, after you have weighed in your years together, your memories and your achievements as a couple, you have to then decide if your issues are really worth the price. Our lives are not infinite. Time invested in a relationship has value that must be considered before liquidating. Just because the performance is down now, doesn't mean there is no way to re-stimulate growth.
Even if ultimately you decide to make a break, be careful how you go. Somethings are unforgivable to some people. Whether a friendship or a relationship, which should first be a friendship anyway, think long and hard before you burn all your bridges, make sure you really have no intention of every going back. Lastly and most importantly, in the immortally profound words of Abe Lincoln {from the movie Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure}:
"Be Excellent to Each Other...And Party On Dudes!!"
Thank You For Reading!! ~99
